Apricots
by Kenji Damasu
Summary: Hmm... what do I say? Once again, caffeine has brought me to posting another very screwed up excuse for a fanfic. If you like insanity and odd humor, this is for you.


  
I dunno what happened... I just opened Microsoft Word and started typing. Search me what got into  
me... must have been those two 36 ounce black coffees I had with the extra energy boost. For the   
first time ever my fingers where shaking because I was so hyped up. (Even though I went back and   
fixed them, I made a record amount of typos... THAT'S how bad I was shaking) Anyway, the   
following is a collection of odd things that came into my head that faithful night... well, not   
really night, 'cause it was only 8:07.   
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, Celine Dion, Sonic the Hedgehog or the bowl of instant   
mashed potatoes in my fridge. I don't know who that belongs to. If it's yours, please say so in   
your review.   
  
Warning: Insanity follows. Nothing beyond this point is written by a sane person. Thank you.   
Also, do not read if you are allergic to apricots, have a sophisticated sense of humor or ate a   
piece of carrot cake/a blueberry bagel within the last twenty-seven minutes and fourteen seconds.   
  
  
Apricots- Four Odd Collections of Insanity   
  
  
Number One- "The Perfect Wind"  
  
Heero and Duo stood, wearing their best cloths. (Meaning their normal attire) They were   
going to Quatre's birthday party, because it was his birthday.  
"So, Hee-Chan, what did you get for Quatre on his birthday?"  
"Hn."  
"That so? Cool! I've always wanted one of those!"  
"Hn."  
"Really? I better go get one if they're that cheap!"  
"Hn."  
Just then, something that had never happened before happened. A low rumbling sound was   
heard, followed by a nasty waft of a very nocuous odor.   
"Hee-Chan!" Duo looked at Heero, stunned. "Did you just cut the cheese?"  
"Hn?"  
"Did you let one go?"  
"Hn?"  
"Did you break wind?"  
"Hn?"  
"DID YOU JUST FART?" Duo screamed in a voice akin to Sonic the Hedgehog after sucking the  
helium out of one too many balloons.  
Heero blushed the color of an over-ripe apricot, and nodded. "Hn."  
Duo looked at Heero with a face like the one you might expect him to put on after Trowa   
had given a two hour long speech. Then, another rumbling sound was heard, and the odor increased   
in potency. Duo looked at Heero.  
"Did you just fart again?"   
The usual "hn" was accompanied by another nod.  
Duo looked at Heero in a "Quatre wearing a black dog-collar and black lipstick" look.   
Then, he tossed his head back, and laughed long and hard, the laugh increasing in volume and   
intensity every time another one of the Perfect Soldier's perfect farts was heard, breaking the   
few silences in Duo's donkey-like laughter.   
  
Number Two- "Happy Days"  
  
Quatre stared at the wall, then stood up. The other four pilots who were sitting at the   
same table as him in the fancy-pants restaurant looked at him, and wondered what the apricot was   
going on.  
"FART KNOCKER!" Quatre screamed, and ran up to a waiter, and grabbed the tray he was   
holding, which he then tossed it at a very fat woman sitting on a waiting bench. The fat lady   
screamed.  
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! VENGANCE SHALL BE MINE!" Quatre screamed, and grabbed a spoon. "ENGUARD!" he then thrust the spoon in front of Wufei's face.  
"Winner, you have lost your mind," Wufei mumbled into his toast. "Sit down and drink your  
tea like a good little boy."  
"I SHALL BE DENIED NO LONGER!" Quatre screamed, and grabbed Duo by the braid.  
"HEY! Q-MAN! LET GO OF MY BRAID!" Duo cried, 'cause I would guess getting your braid   
pulled on would hurt like a sheep.  
"NO! I SHALL NOT REST UNTIL THE SPIRIT OF MY CHEESE IS AVENGED!"   
"Winner has lost his marbles," Wufei muttered. Both Heero and Trowa nodded.  
"DIE, CRETIN SCUMBAG!" Quatre screamed, and poked the screaming fat lady with his spoon.  
"Q-MAN!" Duo yelled, still being yanked around by his braid. "KNOCK IT OFF!"  
"NO! I WILL NOT REST UNTIL THE FAT LADY SINGS!"  
Just then, the fat lady began singing "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, and   
everyone's heads exploded.   
  
Number Three- "Running Out of Things to Say"  
  
"Hey, Wu-Man!" Duo chirruped like a bird on steroids.   
"BAKA MAXWELL!" Wufei replied, obviously in a good mood.   
"Ya know, I like your hair," Duo said, and pulled Wufei's little excuse for a ponytail.  
"INJUSTICE!" Wufei yelled, and slapped Duo's hand away.   
"Wufei! I never noticed how pretty Nataku was!" Duo said, and pointed at a picture of   
Nataku.  
"NATAKU!" Wufei cried, and hugged the picture.  
Just then, Heero walked in, and using his perfect aim, shot the picture of Nataku out of   
Wufei's hands. It landed on the ground, and the glass shattered.  
"INJUSTICE!" Wufei said, and leapt at Heero, who hit him over the head with a roll of   
toilet paper taped to a stick. Wufei fell to the ground.  
"I was beaten by a stronger man..." Wufei said, and rolled over.  
"Wu-Man? You okay?" Duo asked, and poked the now apparently dead Wufei. Heero turned to   
walk away, but just then GASP! Wufei stood up, jumped onto Heero's shoulders and cut of a lock of  
his hair with the handy-dandy knife he always carries. He then jumped off, and kicked Heero into   
a wall. Heero was knocked out.  
"Hee-Chan! Wufei, what did you do that for?"  
Wufei, with tears steaming from his eyes, replied with "I didn't think I would win!   
NATAKU! JUSTICE WAS SERVED!" He then disappeared like Trowa: in a puff of smoke, with pies flying  
everywhere.   
  
Number Four- "An Innocent By-stander"   
  
Trowa looked at his watch. The friggin' bus was late by nearly twenty minutes. Trowa   
scowled at the bus sign he was standing beside, and looked around. Though his vision was   
impaired by the collection of bangs that covered his eye, he was sure he had seen a flash of   
black across the street. This worried him, as it was the hated day.  
  
April first.  
  
  
He glared at the all too conveniently placed bushes across the street, and waited. If it   
was coming, he would be ready.  
Suddenly, he heard a giggle from behind him, and whirled around to see who it came from.  
  
No one.   
  
  
Now Trowa was really worried. He mentally quoted himself on his earlier thoughts: screw   
the bus, I'm outta here. He turned to walk away, when suddenly, he tripped over a very   
conveniently placed rock. Too convenient, Trowa thought, and quickly covered his... er...   
valuables. He then raised his head to look around.  
There was not a single person in sight. After lying there for nearly ten minutes   
(and earning himself more than a few odd stares) he stood up and quickly looked around. Once   
again, he saw no one. Then, after taking a few steps forward, he once again tripped on a rock.   
He did the same thing as the previous fall, and stayed on the ground protecting his "valuables"   
for another ten minutes before getting back up.   
He continued like this another seven times.  
"This is PRICELESS!" Duo said the conveniently placed bush.   
"Are you getting it all on tape?" Quatre asked.  
"Yup. I'm gonna remember this for years to come!"  
"Duo, that's not very nice..."  
"I know. Sorry. But you gotta admit, this is FUNNY!"  
Quatre smiled. "A little mean, but yes, funny."  
"BLAST YOU, DUO!" Trowa yelled as he tripped on another rock. "IF YOU'RE GONNA HIT ME   
WITH PIES, DO IT NOW!"   
"Oh, I LOVE it!" Duo said, as a group of teenage girls looked at Trowa like he was bloody  
insane.   
Quatre couldn't help but smile.   
"BLAST IT ALL!" Trowa yelled as he tripped on another rock.  
He continued like this all the way home.  
  
It was about now the caffeine started to wear off. (If you couldn't tell by the last odd... um...  
I don't know what to call them, so for now I'll call them 'apricots') So, I decided that I had to   
reel out one last apricot before I returned to... well, I would say sanity, but I'm never sane,   
so I won't finish that sentence. So, here is the last apricot in this odd little collection of   
apricots.  
  
Number Four- What is it About Apricots?  
Heero looked at Duo, who was looking at Heero.  
"Omea wa karosu," Heero muttered.  
"APRICOTS!" Duo stated loudly. Heero quirked an eyebrow at him.  
"What?"  
"APRICOTS!"  
"Baka."  
Just then, Quatre and Trowa walked in, both holding a pair of apricots.  
"What is going on here?" Heero asked.  
"APRICOTS!" all three of them proclaimed loudly.  
"What the-WUFEI! HELP ME!"  
Then, Wufei appeared out of nowhere, cuddling an apricot with pigtails.   
"WHAT THE HEY IS GOING ON HERE?" Heero said, and jumped out of his seat.   
"APRICOTS!" the other four pilots nearly screamed.   
"ARRRRRGGGGGGG!" Heero screamed, and leapt out of a window. "AHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed,   
and ran away as fast as he could.  
"Hehehehe. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" a closer at Wufei reveals...  
"Thanks, guys. I've always wanted to do that," Kenji said, and pulled her hair out the   
ponytail thingy. "Too bad Wufei couldn't be here to see this..."  
At a mental institute, many many miles away...  
Wufei rocked slowly back and forth in his padded room. His straightjacket was on much too tight,   
but he didn't notice. He had only one thing on his mind.  
"Apricots..." he mumbled, a thin line of drool running down his chin. "Apricots..."   
  
Well, that's all the insanity I have to offer for the moment. Thank you for reading this, friend.  
This is Kenji Damasu saying, goodnight, and may your cousin's neighbor's cat vomit up an apricot.   
  
  
  
  



End file.
